My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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