got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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