did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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