Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
