Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
