i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
