"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
