that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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