I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
