If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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