I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
