You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
