How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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