found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize