All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
