I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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