The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
