Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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