so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize