Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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