Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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