when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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