i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
