sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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