dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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