Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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