All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
