I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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