my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I need to stop coming to work sober
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
