Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
