the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
