Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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