I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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