Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
