Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
