uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
