Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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