my vag is so smooth its legendary
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
