so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
