He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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