I think I just saw someone hide a body.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
