I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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