chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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