SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
