Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
