If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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