i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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