I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't want my vagina anymore.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
