I cannot find my penis.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
