just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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