I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I could fuck to npr.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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