Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
