The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize