I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
