I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
