saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
