All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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