So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize