that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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