I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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