I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
