I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
