he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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