my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
