Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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