Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
