I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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